18 Things I Learned (or Relearned) in 2018

18 Things I Learned (or Relearned) in 2018

1. There really is never not a good time for red shoes.  
2. Everyone has a story…some good, some bad. Taking time to learn others’ stories is more important now than ever before.
3. Standing up for what’s right is not always easy, but always the right way to go.
4. Taking breaks from the news, or at least limiting it in some ways, while finding healthy ways to handle it, is not a bad way to go.
5. Parenting young adults is different and challenging in its own right, and means you have to find new ways to continue old and start new traditions. But it’s also really cool to watch them launch into their own lives and see them figure things out for themselves.
6. The easy solution is not always (usually) the best solution.
   
7. Trying new things is a good idea at any age.
8. I am so lucky to have a strong community to work out in. 
9. And also a good accountability partner. I can’t imagine that I’d have stuck with it without her. 
10. Sometimes, no matter how much you want to achieve a goal, factors outside your control might conspire to stop you (or at least slow you down). 
11. When you think you just can’t do one more of something, you probably can.
12. I am incredibly good at being lazy, but being active and getting regular exercise makes me a much better person.
13. There’s nothing quite like spending an entire day curled up on a chair with your dog and a good book.
14. Just wanting something to happen isn’t really enough. Wanting it enough to make it happen gives it more of a chance of actually happening. 
15. I’m stronger than I think I am, but not really as strong as I’d like to be. 
16. Facing your past can be hard. Really hard. And often harder than you want it to be. But that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done.
17. Shoulders are really important and do so much more for us than we realize or give them credit for. They deserve some serious props for the many things they do for us.
18. Taking time to reflect and be thankful for the things we have, particularly family, friends, pets, jobs, safe home, food to eat, good health, etc, etc, is important any time…not just at the beginning of a new year.

And Then There Were None (At Home, That Is)

Some rambling thoughts upon taking my son to college this weekend...

I’m not new to this game of taking a child to college. I’ve done it one time before, which makes me a veteran college mom. Two years ago, the first time I took one off to college for the first time, I felt like there was so much I needed to tell my older son...stuff that he needed to know right that second. For whatever reason, the most important thing the day before we left to take him was that I hadn’t taught him how to iron, so I made him learn how to iron.  As far as I know, he hasn’t ironed since.  

Two years later, we’re here. Though, this time, it seems I saved all the advice giving for the last day. A day where we were packing, joking, eating obscene amounts of unhealthy food together (looking at you Mini Vermonster), was also the day that I decided it was time to impart all my words of wisdom to him.  And impart, I did.  In conversation, in jokes, in a heartfelt email.  But really, there’s not much I felt the need to tell him (or his brother, for that matter), that hasn’t been said in the past.  Yes, there are laundry tips, housekeeping tips and organization tips, but the lessons they need and should be leaving with should really be the lessons they were getting from us all along, right?  Be kind.  Be true to yourself. Take care of yourself. Work hard. Do your best. Call home. Did I miss anything?  

And now, it’s happened.  This moment that has been looming over us for the better part of the past year, happened today.  I’ve looked at it with excitement, I’ve looked at it with gloom, I’ve looked at it with trepidation and I’ve looked at it with an insane amount of pride that my son knew exactly what he wanted and went for it with the same gusto he’s had for pretty much every other thing he’s wanted to accomplish so far in his 18 years. 

I have read dozens of articles, blog posts, memes and pieces of advice about leaving our kids at college.  I know no less than 120 other moms in the same place we are this weekend...I’ve scrolled through their drop off pictures (and posted our own) on my Facebook feed and realize now that, while my house has a sense of emptiness that it’s never had before, this is the moment we’ve been building toward since, well, since having kids.  They aren’t meant to stay with us forever….I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t even like each other very much if we kept that same mother/child relationship well into their adulthood, because they’re suppose to go off, with baby steps, spread their wings and develop their own lives with the hope that the lessons we’ve passed on stick.  The good ones, at least.  In good ways.

Even President James Garfield had these same sorts of rambling thoughts in 1879 when he wrote of taking his own children off to school, “It will require no little self-sacrifice on my part to see and aid them in the work of separating these precious home ties. I begin to see how it is that parents come to regard children as their own decorations, given for their own selfish comfort. The severe lesson must be learned that they are given to go alone--to leave the parent nest and fly to trees of their own seeking."

I remember both of my kids’ first days of kindergarten as if they were just yesterday.  I cried big as the bus pulled away with my oldest, his brother in my arms crying along with me that he wanted to go too.  I was teary when I dropped off my youngest a few years later, but he was ready. He was ready then and he’s ready now.  I’ve worked at his school either as a volunteer or as a teacher since he was in preschool.  This year will be the first time in his school life that we aren’t just down the hall from each other.  That’s kind of weird, isn’t it?  But he's ready. His look of confidence upon arriving on campus yesterday was reassuring and I know he's going to be fine.

So, yes...tonight, I am a little bit sad.  And yes, I miss him already. And ice cream did help while we were driving home (as it usually does).  But I am not permanently sad.  This is a temporary loss.  A loss of a past, perhaps a loss of the childhood that was.  Knowing that others are dealing with real loss right now probably helps put this transition of sending our youngest off to college into a different kind of perspective.  And what I’m starting to realize is that sending a young  adult to college is really not the end of being a parent, it’s the beginning of being a different kind of parent.  

And tonight, we are no longer "empty nesters in training," we are full on "empty nesters."

Don't Blink

Tomorrow, I run head first into parenting milestone overload, when my older son turns 21 and my younger son graduates from high school. All on the same day.  This comes not all that long after a significant milestone birthday for myself and not that far before a significant wedding anniversary for my husband and me.  This year of milestones has naturally made me more than a little reflective in the past few days, weeks and months. Reflecting on the the things I did right and the mistakes that I’ve made: the ones that could have been avoided and the ones that probably would have happened anyway; the mistakes I regret and the ones I’ve learned the most from.

Being a parent is not an easy job. It’s fraught with your own worries and baggage, along with feeling your kids’ emotions, too:  You celebrate their joys, you cry for their pain and discomfort and you go into full on mama bear protective mode when you need to.  And it’s one job that you really can only learn by doing.  I know this because I have read tons of books, articles and websites about how to be a parent.  It all helped me, for sure, but it was only the real experiences that got us to where we are today.

So where are we today? Well, we’re on the brink of new territory for all of us.  For one, it’s going off to college for the first time and learning how to navigate a new game of school, a new campus, new people, new expectations.  For one, it’s going back to college for his junior year, where work on his major begins in earnest and real adult life is peeking around the corner.  For me (and my husband), it’s getting ready to enter our own new territory.  A territory that has no children in the house (on a regular basis, anyway) and figuring out what that “empty nest” looks like. For all of us, it’s celebrating and enjoying our moments together and developing relationships as parents with adult children, not children children.

When I look back at the last 18 and 21 years, my mind lingers longingly on the little boys that they were: messy, loud, curious, fun, laughing, excited.  Today, they are self composed, confident young men. I am extremely proud of both of my sons.  They are kind and resilient.  They behave with integrity.  They think deeply.  They’re funny. They are loyal,  good people.  The kind of guys I’d want to be friends with if I wasn’t already their mom.  But as we get ready for tomorrow, this day of milestones, I find myself marveling over how we got here.  How did we go from carseats to cars, from Gymboree classes to the last day of high school?  Passage of time is a funny thing. It feels really slow while you’re going through it, but when you get to the other side, it feels like it went by in the blink of an eye.

Happy Birthday, DJ

Congratulations, Ted

Life Goes On

I know I've said it before, but I am really not a great blogger.  I'm not even sure I feel right calling myself one.  I just have a site that I occasionally write on when I feel the need to write.  I read blogs of people who are true bloggers.  I'm not sure if I am able to open myself up in that way, either online or even in a journal, because the truth is, the way I have kept this blog is pretty much exactly the way I have journaled in my lifetime. And the funny thing is that I am a) a decent enough writer and b) reflective enough that I have enough to say. So I'm not sure why I don't write more often.

And what brought me back to my blog this week (for the first time since 2011) is the amount of reflecting I have been doing this monumental week of my older son's high school graduation.  The rational part of me says that the milestone that comes with your graduating child is exactly as life should be.  We were never meant to have our kids with us forever. We had kids in order for them to grow up and go out and follow their live's paths.  But it's really hard to be rational, isn't it?  I long for the days where I was begging my son to go off and play on his own (because I was worried that he was too dependent on me).  If those days were here, I promise I'd play with him and let him boss me around and tell me what to do. If those days were here, I'd read the Truck Book...AGAIN!  and I'd do it without a rolled eye or sigh.  If those days were here, I'd play Uncle Wiggly and not get mad at him for being too competitive.  I would do it all and I'd do it without complaint.

We are full of advice for graduating seniors.  I wrote my son a letter full of important words of wisdom and the words that I hadn't told him but needed him to hear from me and gave it to him on Graduation Day. But where is the advice for the mom of the graduating senior?  How to enjoy the time you have left before they leave.  How to not spend all your time worrying because they aren't home as much since they want to be with their friends and you just want to know they are home and safe in their bed at night.  How to be really excited for this next leg of their lives' journeys and mean it.   How to not argue with them and their sloppy ways or how to just be and prepare for moving onto this next phase of their lives. Or even how to figure out what your (and your husband's) path is when he (and in a few years his brother) are both out of the house and onto their adult lives. These are the things we moms need to know and I'm hopeful that since I know many who are in the same boat with me right now, we will figure them out together.