All the Feels (more of my random thoughts on COVID-19)

This past couple of days have truly hit “all the feels.” Here’s just a sampling of some of the emotions I’ve felt, sometimes all in the same hour, sometimes all in the same 10 minutes.

Relief. Relief that we had the ability to quickly get out of town and get my son from college who’d been displaced from his last semester and have him home. 

Grateful.  Grateful for doctors and nurses who are on the front lines dealing with sick people every day, grateful for the sacrifices businesses (small and large) are making, thankful for the helpers. Grateful for journalists who are working round the clock to keep us informed of what’s really going on. Thankful and appreciative for the amount of work teachers and administrators have put in trying to wrap their heads around how to “do school,” knowing that they won’t be able to please everyone and that changes seem to happen on a dime.

And sadness. So much change. And so quickly!  Sad for the disruption to life as we typically know it..for teachers and administrators trying to figure out the best way to “do school.” For seniors in HS and college. I was thinking about how happy and hopeful we felt on the quad when we dropped our son off at school 3-1/2 years ago, and how sad and lonely the campus seemed when we got him on Saturday. Sadness for the seniors in my school, not knowing whether, or when, any of the senior “things” they’ve looked forward to for years will happen. Sadness that I don’t know when I’ll see my students in person again or carry out traditions that we do near the end of the year in my classes each year. Sadness for families who struggle and will be dramatically effected economically by what’s going on. Sadness for people who are sick and dying of this virus. Sadness for those who are considered among the more vulnerable and are scared for their lives right now.

Angry. Angry for many of the same reasons as above. Angry that our federal government bungled this so much and yet still says their response has been “great and unprecedented.” Angry that people called this a hoax, that they assigned some political agenda to this. Since when is public health a partisan issue, anyway?

Happiness. Happy to read of families having great attitudes about being forced to slow down and enjoy time together. Families sharing resources and ideas online for how to plunge forward in the coming days and weeks. 

And hopeful. I’m hopeful that these measures we’re taking will contain the virus. I heard someone on the radio the other day say they were concerned that the social distancing works so well that people will say this was all hyped when, in fact, the reason cases started dropping was that the measures worked. I’m hopeful that people will continue being kind to each other. Hasn’t it been lovely the way people have been smiling at others, acknowledging them, making offers to tutor each others’ kids online? I’m hopeful that we will continue to offer grace and compassion to others. Most teachers have never delivered content to full classes of students for long stretches of time. It’s uncharted territory. Most schools haven’t closed for extended periods of time. It’s also uncharted territory. Mistakes will be made. Infrastructure may not handle it well. Parents will be frustrated. Teachers will be frustrated and everyone will need to have compassion for each other. I’m hopeful we can have compassion for young people whose big milestone events are up in the air and might be sad about it and have every right to be. Being sad, and even saying so, doesn’t mean they are spoiled or lack resiliency. You can be sad and still grateful for the first responders all at the same time. I’m hopeful we can have compassion for each other as the newness of our situation wears off and reality sets in.

I know I’m not alone with these thoughts and swirl of emotions. I think again, back to Ma and Pa trudging across the prairie in a horse drawn buggy with 3 young girls (or was it four? Albert? Who knows how many they really had, anyway?). Imagine the uncertainty they felt as they embarked on new lives in new places. We’re kind of in the place of a new normal now, but the certainty is that we can stay connected, at least virtually, and that we’ll come out of this stronger than we were before. And hopefully, the kindness and compassion that we expend during this period of time will carry into the future when we’re on the other side of this.

Don't Blink

Tomorrow, I run head first into parenting milestone overload, when my older son turns 21 and my younger son graduates from high school. All on the same day.  This comes not all that long after a significant milestone birthday for myself and not that far before a significant wedding anniversary for my husband and me.  This year of milestones has naturally made me more than a little reflective in the past few days, weeks and months. Reflecting on the the things I did right and the mistakes that I’ve made: the ones that could have been avoided and the ones that probably would have happened anyway; the mistakes I regret and the ones I’ve learned the most from.

Being a parent is not an easy job. It’s fraught with your own worries and baggage, along with feeling your kids’ emotions, too:  You celebrate their joys, you cry for their pain and discomfort and you go into full on mama bear protective mode when you need to.  And it’s one job that you really can only learn by doing.  I know this because I have read tons of books, articles and websites about how to be a parent.  It all helped me, for sure, but it was only the real experiences that got us to where we are today.

So where are we today? Well, we’re on the brink of new territory for all of us.  For one, it’s going off to college for the first time and learning how to navigate a new game of school, a new campus, new people, new expectations.  For one, it’s going back to college for his junior year, where work on his major begins in earnest and real adult life is peeking around the corner.  For me (and my husband), it’s getting ready to enter our own new territory.  A territory that has no children in the house (on a regular basis, anyway) and figuring out what that “empty nest” looks like. For all of us, it’s celebrating and enjoying our moments together and developing relationships as parents with adult children, not children children.

When I look back at the last 18 and 21 years, my mind lingers longingly on the little boys that they were: messy, loud, curious, fun, laughing, excited.  Today, they are self composed, confident young men. I am extremely proud of both of my sons.  They are kind and resilient.  They behave with integrity.  They think deeply.  They’re funny. They are loyal,  good people.  The kind of guys I’d want to be friends with if I wasn’t already their mom.  But as we get ready for tomorrow, this day of milestones, I find myself marveling over how we got here.  How did we go from carseats to cars, from Gymboree classes to the last day of high school?  Passage of time is a funny thing. It feels really slow while you’re going through it, but when you get to the other side, it feels like it went by in the blink of an eye.

Happy Birthday, DJ

Congratulations, Ted

Life Goes On

I know I've said it before, but I am really not a great blogger.  I'm not even sure I feel right calling myself one.  I just have a site that I occasionally write on when I feel the need to write.  I read blogs of people who are true bloggers.  I'm not sure if I am able to open myself up in that way, either online or even in a journal, because the truth is, the way I have kept this blog is pretty much exactly the way I have journaled in my lifetime. And the funny thing is that I am a) a decent enough writer and b) reflective enough that I have enough to say. So I'm not sure why I don't write more often.

And what brought me back to my blog this week (for the first time since 2011) is the amount of reflecting I have been doing this monumental week of my older son's high school graduation.  The rational part of me says that the milestone that comes with your graduating child is exactly as life should be.  We were never meant to have our kids with us forever. We had kids in order for them to grow up and go out and follow their live's paths.  But it's really hard to be rational, isn't it?  I long for the days where I was begging my son to go off and play on his own (because I was worried that he was too dependent on me).  If those days were here, I promise I'd play with him and let him boss me around and tell me what to do. If those days were here, I'd read the Truck Book...AGAIN!  and I'd do it without a rolled eye or sigh.  If those days were here, I'd play Uncle Wiggly and not get mad at him for being too competitive.  I would do it all and I'd do it without complaint.

We are full of advice for graduating seniors.  I wrote my son a letter full of important words of wisdom and the words that I hadn't told him but needed him to hear from me and gave it to him on Graduation Day. But where is the advice for the mom of the graduating senior?  How to enjoy the time you have left before they leave.  How to not spend all your time worrying because they aren't home as much since they want to be with their friends and you just want to know they are home and safe in their bed at night.  How to be really excited for this next leg of their lives' journeys and mean it.   How to not argue with them and their sloppy ways or how to just be and prepare for moving onto this next phase of their lives. Or even how to figure out what your (and your husband's) path is when he (and in a few years his brother) are both out of the house and onto their adult lives. These are the things we moms need to know and I'm hopeful that since I know many who are in the same boat with me right now, we will figure them out together.