Random Quarantine Thoughts (pt. 1)

Random Quarantine Thoughts (pt. 1)

Heavy

I know I’m not alone when I think of this time we’ve been quarantining to say that it’s like this crazy roller coaster of emotions. I wrote about it early on here. One day, it’s all, “This isn’t bad. I have time to do my work and read my book and enjoy my family and cook dinner and go for a walk and play some music and, and, and.” Other days, it’s anxiety central, and you know the best thing to do is try to do some of the healthy stuff you do on the good days and stay off social media and turn off the news for a little while and even reach out to someone to talk (if your anxiety doesn’t stop you from doing that). 

And other days are just heavy. And lonely feeling. And sad. Rightly or wrongly, I keep this website  as an open tab on my computer and check it daily. When the president rarely expresses any kind of compassion for the loss of life during his daily “press briefings,” I shake my head in disbelief. The number goes up by the thousands every single day. Yesterday morning it was just over 45,000. Today it is just under 48,000. Yes, 84,000 have recovered. But that means just under 48,000 families are grieving the loss of someone right this minute due to this virus, even while 84,000 are celebrating recovery. You can be relieved and sad and realistic all at the same time. Loss of life is loss of life. And while just under 48,000 have died from this in two months, that’s just 10,000 less than the number of US soldiers that died in Vietnam, a conflict that lasted almost two decades. And at the same time, there are so many other families struggling and in pain and dealing with loss, too. Cancer, car crashes, families making end of life decisions for loved ones due to old age, families losing loved ones due to addiction, suicide, weather disasters and on and on. We do what we can to manage these feelings of heaviness, but man, these days are definitely the hard ones.

View from my window

I found a group on Facebook this week called “View from My Window” and it's filled with photos taken from all

"View from my window"

around the world of peoples’ views from a window in their homes. These photos are lovely. And captivating. Photos of far off places I’ve not yet visited, some of which I hope to one day. Photos from cities and towns in the US that I’ve never been to and some that I have been to where the scene is familiar or something I've seen in person before.

And as I look at these photos, I realize that from where my temporary work desk is set up in my bedroom, I have spent a good deal of time looking out my own window lately, as well. The edge of our flag waving in spring breezes catches my eye many times during my Zoom classes. The green of the leaves on the trees in our front yard and across the street. The sounds of birds singing or children out for a social distancing morning run with their moms as they head up the street. They all vie for my attention and help distract me with a reminder that there's beauty in our own worlds, too. We’ve lived in our house for 18 years and I think I’ve looked out my bedroom window a handful of times before this.

Fading

Fading fake tattoo.

See my “fake” tattoo? My workout friends and I had these made for photos as part of a “virtual April Fool’s gag,” a gag that had been planned weeks before this began, but it has become a fairly big piece of symbolism for me during our quarantine. It pops into my line of vision while I’m working out at home or other random times during the day. Sometimes, I do a double take when I see it because I forget it’s there, but it makes me happy every time I notice it. It reminds me of: 1) friends I adore that I miss seeing in person so much, 2) the big parts of LBC that I miss, 3) that I have strength and can be strong in the face of hard and scary things.

It’s been just over three weeks since I applied the “tattoo,” and as it’s fading now, that feels fairly symbolic, too. I: 1) worry that so much time away from the things that I love will fade not just in my memory, but will be hard to recover when we start venturing out again, 2) that the good vibes and all the goodness we saw at the beginning of this crisis are starting to fade away, 3) that the divisiveness that is politically motivated and may be advantageous for some, is really incredibly damaging to the rest of us and that the country we grew up knowing and loving is fading away and what can we do to protect it and bring it back? 

"In times of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to listen with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers." (Mr. Rogers)

Leaving a decade/starting a decade

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this past decade has been one of so much change. Ten years is a long time. And, it's not really a very long time. Ten years ago, I had an 11 year old and a 14 year old. The oldest had just started high school. Now, they are 21 and 24 and the youngest is about to finish college. I’ve moved from my almost mid-40’s to my...ahem...almost mid-50’s. 

Going from being the parents of children to the parents of teens to the parents of young adults has brought much growth and change and with that change has come reflection. A strong desire to “fix” what needs fixing and to find ways to feel strong and whole came with that.

As I did bounding box-jumps at a workout one day last week, my instructor said, “Bet you couldn’t do that a decade ago.” And she was right. Then, during yesterday’s class, she suggested we set our intention by thinking about the victories we’d had in that (workout) space. I know that working out is kind of “practice for the playing field of life,” so as I worked through that class, I started thinking about things I couldn’t (Or didn’t. Or wouldn’t) do a decade ago.

So, in no particular order, here are some of those things that I have done that I didn’t know I could do or never thought about doing before the 2010’s began:

Make a yearbook. Never thought about it, never wanted to and yet somehow I can’t imagine not doing it now.

Teach in a high school. Another thing I never thought I’d do, but here I am in my 10th year of doing it (actually started this in fall of 2009). And I might just almost sort of be getting the knack of it!

Produce videos. This may have been my college major, but here’s the truth: I wasn’t very good at it back then. Yes, technology has sure worked in my favor, plus I love the creative outlet I get with it.

Work out. Hard to talk about this without getting a little emotional. A decade ago, I occasionally tried some new form of exercise. I’d do it for a little while and then I’d be done. I had a bad back and would be laid up from it for a few days at least once a year. Six years ago, that changed. I don’t know what it was that changed. Community? New/stronger friendships? Accountability partner? But now, I can’t imagine my life without this as part of it. I’ve learned that my body is so much more capable of doing things that I ever gave it credit for. I’ve learned how to work through injury (not to ignore/exacerbate, but to work around it and not use it as an excuse) and how to come back after. I’ve learned not to quit.

Host/produce a podcast. How lucky am I to find a way to “play radio” and do some of the things I loved to do when I was much younger. 

Friendships. This one also makes me get a little emotional. They say you’re lucky in your life if you find a community of people you can count on as friends. And I’m not sure of another time in my life when I knew I had a strong group of friends that genuinely has my back in the way I do right now. 

Grad school classes in the summers. These classes have taught me so much about myself, aside from the content...dorm living is tolerable for about a week. But going to school is hard. It takes a lot out of a person and taking these classes each summer gives me a little reminder each year of what we ask of kids every day during the school year. A little empathy is never a bad thing. 

Maintain really long streaks with apps. Looking at you, My Fitness Pal and Apple Watch. I have logged in to MFP 2,275 days in a row and closed all three rings on my Apple Watch every day since mid-June. These little things are my personal challenges to keep up with and help me keep my fitness goals in mind.

Deal with past hurts. This one sure is hard and important and is a definite work in progress.

Enjoy travel adventures with my husband. Our two big trips in the last two years makes me realize we have a lot of country and world to see together.

Learn to be with my husband without kids. I thought being empty nesters would be harder than it was, but I really do enjoy spending time with my husband and that we have things we enjoy apart from each other is great, too! 

This past decade has been good for me in a lot of ways. Has it been easy? No. The world we live in is tough and going through rapid, scary changes. And there are times of crushing sadness. We have so much work to do to fix things. But I’m also proud of the changes I’ve made and am looking forward to what the next 10 bring as I keep my focus on getting stronger and better. 

I listened to the last episode of the “Dolly Parton’s America” podcast during my walk today (my last of the decade!) and in it, she said, “If you’re at peace within yourself you can do good for other people.” So that’s what I’m going to keep working on as we move into tomorrow with a new day, a new month, a new year and a new decade.

18 Things I Learned (or Relearned) in 2018

18 Things I Learned (or Relearned) in 2018

1. There really is never not a good time for red shoes.  
2. Everyone has a story…some good, some bad. Taking time to learn others’ stories is more important now than ever before.
3. Standing up for what’s right is not always easy, but always the right way to go.
4. Taking breaks from the news, or at least limiting it in some ways, while finding healthy ways to handle it, is not a bad way to go.
5. Parenting young adults is different and challenging in its own right, and means you have to find new ways to continue old and start new traditions. But it’s also really cool to watch them launch into their own lives and see them figure things out for themselves.
6. The easy solution is not always (usually) the best solution.
   
7. Trying new things is a good idea at any age.
8. I am so lucky to have a strong community to work out in. 
9. And also a good accountability partner. I can’t imagine that I’d have stuck with it without her. 
10. Sometimes, no matter how much you want to achieve a goal, factors outside your control might conspire to stop you (or at least slow you down). 
11. When you think you just can’t do one more of something, you probably can.
12. I am incredibly good at being lazy, but being active and getting regular exercise makes me a much better person.
13. There’s nothing quite like spending an entire day curled up on a chair with your dog and a good book.
14. Just wanting something to happen isn’t really enough. Wanting it enough to make it happen gives it more of a chance of actually happening. 
15. I’m stronger than I think I am, but not really as strong as I’d like to be. 
16. Facing your past can be hard. Really hard. And often harder than you want it to be. But that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done.
17. Shoulders are really important and do so much more for us than we realize or give them credit for. They deserve some serious props for the many things they do for us.
18. Taking time to reflect and be thankful for the things we have, particularly family, friends, pets, jobs, safe home, food to eat, good health, etc, etc, is important any time…not just at the beginning of a new year.