And Then There Were None (At Home, That Is)

Some rambling thoughts upon taking my son to college this weekend...

I’m not new to this game of taking a child to college. I’ve done it one time before, which makes me a veteran college mom. Two years ago, the first time I took one off to college for the first time, I felt like there was so much I needed to tell my older son...stuff that he needed to know right that second. For whatever reason, the most important thing the day before we left to take him was that I hadn’t taught him how to iron, so I made him learn how to iron.  As far as I know, he hasn’t ironed since.  

Two years later, we’re here. Though, this time, it seems I saved all the advice giving for the last day. A day where we were packing, joking, eating obscene amounts of unhealthy food together (looking at you Mini Vermonster), was also the day that I decided it was time to impart all my words of wisdom to him.  And impart, I did.  In conversation, in jokes, in a heartfelt email.  But really, there’s not much I felt the need to tell him (or his brother, for that matter), that hasn’t been said in the past.  Yes, there are laundry tips, housekeeping tips and organization tips, but the lessons they need and should be leaving with should really be the lessons they were getting from us all along, right?  Be kind.  Be true to yourself. Take care of yourself. Work hard. Do your best. Call home. Did I miss anything?  

And now, it’s happened.  This moment that has been looming over us for the better part of the past year, happened today.  I’ve looked at it with excitement, I’ve looked at it with gloom, I’ve looked at it with trepidation and I’ve looked at it with an insane amount of pride that my son knew exactly what he wanted and went for it with the same gusto he’s had for pretty much every other thing he’s wanted to accomplish so far in his 18 years. 

I have read dozens of articles, blog posts, memes and pieces of advice about leaving our kids at college.  I know no less than 120 other moms in the same place we are this weekend...I’ve scrolled through their drop off pictures (and posted our own) on my Facebook feed and realize now that, while my house has a sense of emptiness that it’s never had before, this is the moment we’ve been building toward since, well, since having kids.  They aren’t meant to stay with us forever….I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t even like each other very much if we kept that same mother/child relationship well into their adulthood, because they’re suppose to go off, with baby steps, spread their wings and develop their own lives with the hope that the lessons we’ve passed on stick.  The good ones, at least.  In good ways.

Even President James Garfield had these same sorts of rambling thoughts in 1879 when he wrote of taking his own children off to school, “It will require no little self-sacrifice on my part to see and aid them in the work of separating these precious home ties. I begin to see how it is that parents come to regard children as their own decorations, given for their own selfish comfort. The severe lesson must be learned that they are given to go alone--to leave the parent nest and fly to trees of their own seeking."

I remember both of my kids’ first days of kindergarten as if they were just yesterday.  I cried big as the bus pulled away with my oldest, his brother in my arms crying along with me that he wanted to go too.  I was teary when I dropped off my youngest a few years later, but he was ready. He was ready then and he’s ready now.  I’ve worked at his school either as a volunteer or as a teacher since he was in preschool.  This year will be the first time in his school life that we aren’t just down the hall from each other.  That’s kind of weird, isn’t it?  But he's ready. His look of confidence upon arriving on campus yesterday was reassuring and I know he's going to be fine.

So, yes...tonight, I am a little bit sad.  And yes, I miss him already. And ice cream did help while we were driving home (as it usually does).  But I am not permanently sad.  This is a temporary loss.  A loss of a past, perhaps a loss of the childhood that was.  Knowing that others are dealing with real loss right now probably helps put this transition of sending our youngest off to college into a different kind of perspective.  And what I’m starting to realize is that sending a young  adult to college is really not the end of being a parent, it’s the beginning of being a different kind of parent.  

And tonight, we are no longer "empty nesters in training," we are full on "empty nesters."

Don't Blink

Tomorrow, I run head first into parenting milestone overload, when my older son turns 21 and my younger son graduates from high school. All on the same day.  This comes not all that long after a significant milestone birthday for myself and not that far before a significant wedding anniversary for my husband and me.  This year of milestones has naturally made me more than a little reflective in the past few days, weeks and months. Reflecting on the the things I did right and the mistakes that I’ve made: the ones that could have been avoided and the ones that probably would have happened anyway; the mistakes I regret and the ones I’ve learned the most from.

Being a parent is not an easy job. It’s fraught with your own worries and baggage, along with feeling your kids’ emotions, too:  You celebrate their joys, you cry for their pain and discomfort and you go into full on mama bear protective mode when you need to.  And it’s one job that you really can only learn by doing.  I know this because I have read tons of books, articles and websites about how to be a parent.  It all helped me, for sure, but it was only the real experiences that got us to where we are today.

So where are we today? Well, we’re on the brink of new territory for all of us.  For one, it’s going off to college for the first time and learning how to navigate a new game of school, a new campus, new people, new expectations.  For one, it’s going back to college for his junior year, where work on his major begins in earnest and real adult life is peeking around the corner.  For me (and my husband), it’s getting ready to enter our own new territory.  A territory that has no children in the house (on a regular basis, anyway) and figuring out what that “empty nest” looks like. For all of us, it’s celebrating and enjoying our moments together and developing relationships as parents with adult children, not children children.

When I look back at the last 18 and 21 years, my mind lingers longingly on the little boys that they were: messy, loud, curious, fun, laughing, excited.  Today, they are self composed, confident young men. I am extremely proud of both of my sons.  They are kind and resilient.  They behave with integrity.  They think deeply.  They’re funny. They are loyal,  good people.  The kind of guys I’d want to be friends with if I wasn’t already their mom.  But as we get ready for tomorrow, this day of milestones, I find myself marveling over how we got here.  How did we go from carseats to cars, from Gymboree classes to the last day of high school?  Passage of time is a funny thing. It feels really slow while you’re going through it, but when you get to the other side, it feels like it went by in the blink of an eye.

Happy Birthday, DJ

Congratulations, Ted

Make America Greater Than What?

Our country has a strong history, where our founding fathers fought for freedom from tyranny and developed a system of government seen as a model for other nations around the world.  Our country was founded on grit, determination, greatness: In developing technology, systems, land, people. We have a lot to be proud of as a nation and we should be.

The past 50 years has seen the passing of the Civil Rights Act, more steps toward equality for women, unimaginable technological advances that have helped shrink our world to the point where we can talk face to face with another person halfway around the world in real time, the legality of marriage for same sex couples and many other remarkable things.

And yet...

I have been watching this election cycle, like everyone else, with weary eyes, shocked disbelief and a whole lot of anxiety.   I see people in our country supporting mean spirited, childish candidates who promote policies that marginalize those they have deemed to be "less" than them. They do this with the common refrain,  "Make America Great Again!" or "Take our country back!" 

And this brings me to a question that has been swirling around in my brain for the past few weeks.  Who do you want to take America back from?  Where do you want to bring it?  Make America greater than what?  

Great like when we passed laws to keep the Chinese out, but let some in to help build the Trans Continental Railroad for very little pay?  Great like when the South seceded so they could continue to own slaves?  Great like when Jews were turned away from US shores after having escaped Nazi Germany?  Great like when we tried to keep out other European Immigrants?  Great like when US citizens of Japanese descent were gathered up and put in internment camps?  Great like when there were separate bathrooms for people of color and a little girl had to go to school with police protection because the white people wanted to keep her out? Great like when Matthew Shepard was brutally beaten and killed by fellow Americans because of his sexual orientation?  Great like when women, who were US citizens, protected by the Constitution were denied the right to vote? Great like when women were not guaranteed equal pay for equal work? Oh wait, that last one is happening still. Is this the greatness they miss and want?  

One of my mantras as a mom has always been, "mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn," meaning okay, you made this mistake...learn from it, move on and don't repeat it.  We have come so far as a country in accepting others and recognizing these mistakes from the past.  But if we repeat these mistakes, have we really improved?  Are we really great? 

You want to make America great?  Here's what you need to do.  Commit to educating ALL children and helping them become thinking members of a thriving democracy.  Help the poor, feed the hungry.  Build infrastructure, keep jobs in our country.  Make sure all have access to quality healthcare.  Contrary to what one of the candidates said in the debate last week, healthcare IS a right and we all have a stake in ensuring that all get the care they need.  No one deserves to die because they can't afford healthcare.  

Deal with immigration in a fair and rational manner. In a student produced documentary on immigration, a local attorney noted that we have a long history of saying now that we're in, let's close the borders and keep everyone else out.  Don't let fear rule decisions regarding international refugee crises and terrorism.  

Fix the mental health crisis and for goodness sakes, do something about the NRA and mass shootings. Give equal rights to all as indicated in the US Constitution, because guess what...someone's sexual orientation has absolutely nothing to do with you.  In fact, for a party that believes in less government, stop trying to govern what women do with their bodies or people do in the privacy of their homes.

Stop worrying about how we've become too "politically correct" and instead think about whether what you are doing or saying about others is kind.  These are the things that would truly make our country great and are the things I would like to see our candidates talking about as we move through the rest of the primary season and into the general election.

Reflections on Turning 50

A random collection of thoughts as I enter the last week of my 40’s…

The Byrds’ “Turn, Turn, Turn” was the number one song the week I was born.

To everything - turn, turn, turn

There is a season - turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace

A time to refrain from embracing

This song holds the distinction of having the oldest lyrics in a #1 pop song, since it comes from Ecclesiastes. "Many biblical scholars believe Ecclesiastes 1:1 implies King Solomon as the book's author; thus, if true, giving Solomon (born c. 1011 BC) lyrical credit for a number one hit.” (thank you, Wikipedia).

I like birthdays.  And numbers.  Not math numbers, but numbers that make interesting patterns or dates.  I have for as long as I can remember. I was in the pool at camp in Key Largo on July 7, 1977 and pointed out to the older kids nearby that it was 7-7-77. They were not nearly as impressed as I. Last year, when my birthday fell on 12-13-14, I turned it into an event.  The last time this century that could happen!  12-13-15 just doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? But it is 50, so it has pretty much been on my mind in some way for much of the past year.  And now, here I am, staring it down.  I can legitimately say, "I'm practically 50, you know!"

1965 was a good year to be born.  Not quite a “baby boomer;” not really a “baby busting Generation Xer,” either. Too young for Woodstock, too old to wear Doc Martins credibly. A Charlie Brown Christmas was born in 1965, as was the Pillsbury Dough Boy.  The Voting Rights Act of 1965 was passed and the Sound of Music movie came out.  The Beatles were in their heyday and, of course,  Vietnam.  Smack dab in the middle of a decade of change.  But aren’t all decades “decades of change,” really? We are a nation and world in turmoil right now, but if you look back through history, almost every era faces turmoil. We just don’t really learn from history, I guess. What does this have to do with turning 50, anyway? Not much...it's a random collection of thoughts, that's all.

My childhood is marked by memories of music and tv shows that some may mock, but that bring me great joy to hear or see: One Tin Soldier, Seasons in the Sun, Beach Baby, Cats in the Cradle (oh, who am I kidding...Billy Don’t Be a Hero and The Night Chicago Died, too).  Happy Days, In the News, Schoolhouse Rock, Land of the Lost (Sigmund & the Sea Monsters!), Scooby Doo, the Bay City Rollers.  Later, the Facts of Life, Different Strokes, the Love Boat and Fantasy Island...but then Grease. And the John Hughes movies. They may not be on the best of anything of the 70’s or 80’s lists, but they shaped a whole group of  girls in some way that makes us kindred spirits.

When I consider turning 50, I instantly think, ‘How can this be? 50 is old.’ And I’m not old. And I do know it really is just a number.  As I have entered each new decade of my adult life, I’ve looked back and thought, “This past decade was the one where I really grew up.”  In my 20’s, I graduated from college, had my radio career and got married, all pretty grown up stuff.  I became a mom in my 30’s, joined playgroups, ladies groups and volunteered at school. Also adult stuff. And so, my 40’s have been no different. I went from being the mom of young boys to being the mom of young men, from time on playgrounds, carpooling to various activities and elementary school performances to high school sports, college applications and being happy to just have both boys sitting around in the living room with us, talking and laughing together.  So, is that it?  Am I finally grown up?

This past 10 years or so have been some of the best of my life so far. I have so much to be grateful for. I'm married to my best friend and have been for half of my life (literally). My sons have grown into kind young men that I am proud to know and am excited to see moving into their next phases. I have my sisters and mom not too far away and available when I need them.  I fell into the job that has led me to stretch and to take risks I didn’t know I wanted to take, to be with people that make me want to be better and do better and that I think value me more than I have ever felt valued in my life.  I have discovered that my body was meant to move in ways that I didn’t know it could and at the same time met a new group of women that I am happy to call friends and have welcomed me into their “tribe.”  Who could want more than that?

50 may be old, but I’m not.  50 may be the new 30, and I’d take that, too!  I think 50 is a halfway point and if I’ve had 50, then I have around 50 more.  That’s a lot of years and a lot of time, right? I’m not sure what my 50’s will bring, aside from an AARP card and an empty nest.  I’ve read that I will stop caring what others think, wear what I want and live life fully. I’d like to think that I will do something grand...something to make my mark. But maybe, being in the place I am...right here, right now...I already am. And if that’s it, then I’ll take that, too.

Bring it, 50. 

Memories

I love the "TED Talk Radio Hour" podcast because it gives you a taste of actual TED talks along with interviews with the speakers and all revolve around a theme.  I have heard great ones about courage and learning and surviving in the past couple of months. But last week's stuck with me...about memory and how memories work with our brains Memory Games.  One speaker spoke about how our experiences become our memories and I very much believe this to be true.

I sometimes think my memory is faulty.  I wonder why I don't remember more about my past, or why the memories I tend to have come out more negatively than I'd like them to.  I wish I could see or even hear myself as a kid, having a conversation with my family, in the voices that we had, not the voices that we have now. But I really want my kids' memories to be better, happier, clearer.  I feel like with things like digital media, or even video, attempts at scrapbooks and millions of photos of them and their childhoods, they will have many of their actual memories there at the push of a button.  Certainly with social media taking off toward the beginning of their teen years, many of their memories are not only on their walls for their own consumption, but for that of any of their friends, followers, or whoever. But is that the same as what's in our brains?

A couple of years ago, I saw an idea on Pinterest that we decided to adapt. It was to make a memory jar of our year. It's hard to start a new tradition with a family of teen boys, but that's just what we did.  We just finished our second year doing this, and while my husband and I are the primary fillers of the jar (well, the only fillers of the jar so far), the time spent together reading the slips of paper tonight was time well spent.  We noticed definite themes:  My oldest graduated from high school and started college....his brother has worked hard at his music, his schoolwork and his swimming.  Lots of things to be proud of and happy about.

When we finished reading and the boys had been excused from the table, my husband asked me what surprised me when we'd read through the jar.   And I think for me, it came back to how our experiences become our memory.  So I need to backtrack for a second.  My husband had a big milestone birthday last year, and for at least the last few months, I've been thinking that I didn't do enough for him on his birthday.  He'd never said anything of the sort and would say I'd done plenty...this was all me and my brain.  What I remembered was how I'd made him a special throwback photo and worked very hard at it even though it kind of flopped, and I think that's where my memory ended.  But when we were reading the slips tonight, there was the one about his birthday and how I'd had stone crabs delivered from a restaurant in Florida.  I had completely forgotten about that.  Our experiences influence our memories...indeed they do. 

So I am going to list the biggies from the jar before I toss the slips (and the actual written memories) away:

• Bittersweet memories of seeing my son play basketball for his school for the last time...seeing him walk through the hallway at school for his last time as a student!
• Graduation!
• Started College!
• Took time off IM!
• Took time off breast...won race at Pheiffer College meet!
• Both boys worked hard at school this year!
• Birthdays!
• Special birthdays and special trips:  Atlanta to meet our great nephew, Cooper (and eat at my beloved Sweet Tomatoes); surprise trip to Savannah last week and visiting as a tourist
• Visits to college, visits home 
• Worth mentioning, but didn't make it into the jar:  Cleveland trip last summer: Indians game, Cedar Point, Skyline Chili, Football Hall of Fame.

We are very fortunate to be able to say that 2014 was a good year for our family, we have our health and happiness and know not to take it for granted.  Now, if I can just remember it the way it happened, that would be something.

Life Goes On

I know I've said it before, but I am really not a great blogger.  I'm not even sure I feel right calling myself one.  I just have a site that I occasionally write on when I feel the need to write.  I read blogs of people who are true bloggers.  I'm not sure if I am able to open myself up in that way, either online or even in a journal, because the truth is, the way I have kept this blog is pretty much exactly the way I have journaled in my lifetime. And the funny thing is that I am a) a decent enough writer and b) reflective enough that I have enough to say. So I'm not sure why I don't write more often.

And what brought me back to my blog this week (for the first time since 2011) is the amount of reflecting I have been doing this monumental week of my older son's high school graduation.  The rational part of me says that the milestone that comes with your graduating child is exactly as life should be.  We were never meant to have our kids with us forever. We had kids in order for them to grow up and go out and follow their live's paths.  But it's really hard to be rational, isn't it?  I long for the days where I was begging my son to go off and play on his own (because I was worried that he was too dependent on me).  If those days were here, I promise I'd play with him and let him boss me around and tell me what to do. If those days were here, I'd read the Truck Book...AGAIN!  and I'd do it without a rolled eye or sigh.  If those days were here, I'd play Uncle Wiggly and not get mad at him for being too competitive.  I would do it all and I'd do it without complaint.

We are full of advice for graduating seniors.  I wrote my son a letter full of important words of wisdom and the words that I hadn't told him but needed him to hear from me and gave it to him on Graduation Day. But where is the advice for the mom of the graduating senior?  How to enjoy the time you have left before they leave.  How to not spend all your time worrying because they aren't home as much since they want to be with their friends and you just want to know they are home and safe in their bed at night.  How to be really excited for this next leg of their lives' journeys and mean it.   How to not argue with them and their sloppy ways or how to just be and prepare for moving onto this next phase of their lives. Or even how to figure out what your (and your husband's) path is when he (and in a few years his brother) are both out of the house and onto their adult lives. These are the things we moms need to know and I'm hopeful that since I know many who are in the same boat with me right now, we will figure them out together.

Personal Record Breaking Blog Post

It is New Year's Eve.  By posting tonight, I will break my annual blogging record by 1 post for the year.  Yes!  I didn't intend to write a blog post tonight, but as I think about it, I have much I could write about.  I can write about how fortunate I feel to live the life that I live.  I can write about the holidays.  I can write about my plans, dreams and hopes for 2012.  Ah...I think we have a winner!

I am not one for making resolutions.  I make them.  I break them.  What's the point?  I'm sure it's really just semantics, but I prefer to set goals for the year and with that, if I don't accomplish them, it doesn't actually feel the same as breaking a resolution.  It's just something I didn't accomplish.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here is a list of goals I would like to work on for the coming year:

Work on being better organized

Move more (get exercise)

Eat healthier/lose a few (10ish) pounds

Read more/Learn more

Have more fun/Laugh more

Enjoy more family time and really enjoy my kids as they move ever so much closer to being grown (After all those years of warnings, "They grow so fast...enjoy them while they're young..." I get it).

Cook more

Say "no" once in awhile

Blog more than 4 times in a year

I think these are reasonable and attainable goals.  And am hopeful that 2012 is a great year for myself, my family and friends and the world.